Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
We had sex on my friends waterbed ..after that the whole school kept asking him if he had fun getting "sea-sick" last night.
He refused my I'm sry gift of ANAL. That's how angry he was.
I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
We are not on the "bring me breakfast" level. He's bringing me penis if I ask for breakfast too I'll just sound greedy
I dont care if your mom convinced you it should be an abstinent christmas. I did horribly on finals and i'm out of booze, so you will get over her and FUCK. ME. NOW.
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
I still have his teeth marks on the base of my penis. You didnt miss much
It's a goat... but where the fuck did it come from?
Ok get your liver ready for the weekend. Harry Potter Drinking Game Marathon is a go. BYO liquor of choice, rule cards at the door. I wanna see some Hagrid level drinking out of you, Muggle.
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
What do you mean? Just eat his food and have sex with him. Unless you want a relationship, then just eat his food.
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
Randomize
