for future reference: anal bleach BEFORE boozing
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
frankly if you're gonna get kicked out of your place, hooking up with your gay roommate's boyfriend would be the most entertaining way to do it.
Let's just cut to the chase. I'm not interested in anything romantic but I aAM interested in Tom Petty and maybe getting high and fucking you again for old times sake.
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally
i've been lying on top of my bed for the past 20 minutes
i'm about to blow half an adderall though and try to rally
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
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