you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
you don't seem to understand just how much pasta i spilled on my bed last night.
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
I think we need to find a happy medium between fried food and dicks. This could end badly.
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
The only thing I regret was that he was wearing a scarf when we made out.
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
this periodpocalypse needs to be over. I need head
i woke up on the couch at 5:24am, hangover, craving for some ribs, but i only had a bag of cheetos and a half empty beer. man what a breakfast.
Its safe now. But... Nobody should sleep on my bed tonight.
Randomize
