I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
he said 'i love fucking you, ashley'. it was the most romantic thing he's said during sex because he actually used my name.
yesterday, he said he didn't trust me around his daughter because "if she was wrapped in rolling paper u'd smoke her." yup.
I don't think he understands the importance of corndogs. Or condoms for that matter.
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
There's a fried egg and an empty bottle of reddiwhip in the parking lot. Did you have fun last night?
Hm, finding a time when my drinking and your real life don't conflict could be difficult
I have no idea how I got home or why I am naked but I assume I owe you a thank you...
Hahahahahahhajahahahahajajjajahjahahajahahajajahahahajjajajahahjajajajajahahahajjjajajaahhahhahahahahahahahaha dominos taxi
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
who says I'm not relevant to the kids today? Just had snapchat sex, blows the roof off aim cyber sex
Would you say that skipping class and sitting alone in my room singing One Direction to myself and sobbing is an acceptable way to deal with the break-up
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
Randomize
