Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
I just asked the dr if it was herpes while wearing my shirt from the strip club...
I told you to stay away from the strippers in Oklahoma
NExt question... Do i wanna sleep under my palm tree
YES.
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
It's like a party bus, but there's a glass, airtight wall separating the driver from the passengers, and once everyone's on, they pump vaporized THC into the cabin.
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
My dream of watching a live dick sword fight might never be realized now. Currently sobbing, shots to follow
It was just a Craigslist hook up but she wore sweats. Where are the girls with class?
Maybe if I get to know him I'll stop wanting to fuck his wife so much.
I dont know which is weirder.. the fact that i just watched our mom kick ass at beer pong and ride the pole like a true fire girl or the fact that ive never felt closer to her in my life.
Randomize
