I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
I'm eating crumbled blue cheese out of Tubbaware. My life is nothing.
As for the 14 hours of vodka. I am all that is man.
We had to leave after he was in the middle of the street yelling "Balls of Steeeeeeeeel!!"
Bad breakup?
He posted a pic of me fully naked and smiling as he inserted a carrot into my vagina as my FB profile pic and then changed the PW, locking me out of my own account. So 500 of my closest friends, family, and coworkers now have that mental image of me on FB.
She was lying on the table chugging back something when the table broke
She kept going
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
He fed us edamame like baby birds. Slowly all coming back to me.
I don't know whether to laugh it off or be pissed at him..I got pulled over this morning leaving his place and the officer thought my hickeys were hand prints around my neck and asked if I needed to be escorted out of town.
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
Just sitting at dinner with my dad...simultaneously texting "daddy" to confirm saturday's spanking and telling another guy to get condoms before Im done with dinner. Don't know when I got so ate up but I'm loving it. You?
Regretting asking you what you were doing.
Listen I don't care what it's called as long as it's drugs
Randomize
