So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
Dude I pulled down his pants and he already had a condom on
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
Weve literally been going out drinking five days a week. That counts as a full time job right?
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
Like wrapping my dick in silk, wrapping that in velvet, and putting it in a cloud. A warm, tight, wet cloud.
How bad would it be if I wore out the dress we got peed on in. You're the only one who knows.
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
think before you get married my friend it's my birthday and just got done jacking off
He looks like a Mormon from a lifetime movie. Oddly I wanna give him a hand job
Last night I realized my life is an experiment of really bad decisions when I had to leave without my underwear. But at least I'm expanding my life experience.
Randomize
