She says ass holes are for stuffing, the verb, not stuffing, the noun.
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
imagine how many guys you'd have sex if you didn't recieve your monthly gift.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK FUCKABLE IN AN ALL NEON SPANDEX JUMPSUIT?
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
holy fuck man...it feels like I got beat the fuck out of by death's baseball bat...chimichangas?
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
I refuse to plan drunken casual sex. Just think of the monster I'd create.
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
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