apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
No. untill you have done a puke that contains nothing but semen and tequila, you do not 'feel my pain'
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
Lame. Party is tapping out at 4am. Even chanting "USA" didn't rally them.
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
I just destroyed that poor boy. Picked him up and put him wherever I wanted, it was like the Pride version of Elf on a Shelf.
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
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