If immigrants and dwarves find love, why can't I?
I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
i just woke up in the hallway. not my hallway. i officially raise my hand to be DD next week.
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
Your ability to be a slut in your nightmare astounds me
I voted for him because his wife supports his raging sex life.
oh no, don't get me wrong.. she IS really pretty. If you are in to horses or Sarah Jessica Parker.
I now own a bag of cigarettes and have no purse, awesome
She who has the vag holds all the power. He will learn one way or the other.
The compounded multi day delayed hangover hit me hard today, with a vengeance normally reserved for large objects that go in my ass. I don't feel good.
The secret to finals week is to have an orgasm for every point you need on the test before you take it.
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
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