Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
The douche that always wears spandex at the gym just walked into class with a dick going into his mouth drawn on his face. The professor said "rough night" and he still has no idea. Tyring to get a pic
She shouted out halfway through "that costume does nothing to hide your cock". Last time we let her drink at the theatre.
Bonus points if the penis has a little hat too
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
QUIT RUINING DICK PICTURE DAY
Last night I went to spank her while she was riding me and sack-tapped myself.
what i'd really like is a nice helping of naked boyfriend with a side of naked boyfriend.
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
I actually haven't slept with anyone in a while. I think my whore phase is just seasonal.
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
How's Vegas?
Woke up with a sculpture of my own head. Been trying to find Ashley for two days. so pretty not too bad.
Dude. Got a sore throat. Don't know if it's because my body is rejecting Michigan or cause of the bad ass blow job I gave last night
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
Randomize
