Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
There's a fat drunk walrus bitch here next to me and shes already puked and now falling on herself
OH FUCK NOW HER BOYFRIEND IS MAKING OUT WITH HER VOMIT HOLE
Sounds like a good blink 182 concert...
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
Thursday nights need to stop happening to me.
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
I don't mean to insult you, but did you leave your training bra in my bedroom last night?
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
My boss just told me not to come back to work if I decide to drink. Challenge accepted.
S.O.S. he's talking about horses and breast feeding.
I don't remember much from my 21st, but my mom said I insisted on the fat guy taking body shots off me
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
That's not the problem. The problem is I thought I was over him but he smells nice today.
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
Is it uncouth to masturbate the night before a gyno appointment?
Randomize
