Be sure to let me know if your relationship crumbles so I can resume hitting on you
She has 2500 facebook friends. I probably should have used a condom.
thanks 4 putting "im not your boyfriend baby" on my sex playlist. she just got pissed and left.
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
i just wanna get shit faced and pass out in some random holly bush with a bucket on my head and stockings for shoes.
remind to leave next time the words "tequila" and "challenge" are shouted
It's truly amazing how much porn I can get in while my phones at 1% battery life.
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
Not my fault the fence refused to just break when I ran into it.
SHE POOPED THE CONDOM WHOLE
So I have three weeks to get rid of his girlfriend and fuck him senseless before he goes to jail
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
Randomize
