I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
he spit gasoline on a tiki torch to impress a girl. he caught on fire but did get laid. success.
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
My tits are coming out a minimum of ten times
I think off duty cops drove me home. I may have been hitchhiking
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
right now I need to figure out a smart way to get an accurate picture of his dick so I know what in dealing with, right now in flying blind.
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
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