Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
Of course she's mad at you. You Kanye Wested a picture of her catching snowflakes in her mouth. "imma let you finish but..." was the shaft and you put two of Kanye West's heads for the balls.
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
theres chocolate ground into my couch, nerds candy all over the floor and cocaine on every surface. great memorial day weekend and yours?
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
it's not like I want to die, I just want life to stop for a little bit. how does that work?
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
Hold me and let me compliment your butt
Sorry this is the worst night of your life and that you're being a baby about it.
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
Apparently stoned me thought eating chips in the shower was a good idea.
we went outside for a smoke and when we came back in you were ptfo on the floor holding the phone to your ear. Pizza pizza was on the line.
Randomize
