My ass is singing 4 different tunes right about now... Taco Bell was a bad idea!
I just googled "buy xanax online". What is wrong with my life?
fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
so I'm coping with getting the "I'm not over my ex" bomb dropped on me by getting drunk and yelling at people while wearing a purple princess hat
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
Fell down the metal stairs and some guy tried to fight me after you left. I fell asleep with cadbury eggs in my mouth too.
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
I convinced a girl making out is a secret handshake
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
I may be asexual, but I owe you a solid from yesterday. I am a man of my word.
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