It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
Drunk
Deyhxbr
Fucaerrrrr
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
I thi k this dude I fcken showed up to the bar in a raisins shirts. I thought I was better than that. Fuckkkk.
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
I WISH WE COULD PLAY THE DRINKING GAME TOGETHER AND THEN BANG FOR AMERICA.
holy fuck man...it feels like I got beat the fuck out of by death's baseball bat...chimichangas?
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
I'm not sure if I should be proud of you for having morals or disappointed in you for letting your sex life get this sad.
It's Saturday night and I'm getting shitfaced alone while reading Dino porn. Wassssuuuupppp
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
Only I could turn my one night stands into class essays. Go me.
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
Randomize
