The whole way homeyou were flapping your arms up and down, and when I asked why you said you were trying to tell Tony Danza about the angels.
how should i go about explaining the hickey i drunkenly gave myself last night?
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
i get the sense she is planing new and exciting ways to physically harm me during sex
I'm not considering your visit a success until we've fucked every cock in the ethnic rainbow...between the four of us we should have it done by x-mas
As usual, I had to fight him for his car keys. Though this time he made it to the valet garage. All the Hispanic attendants gathered around and watched. Felt like I was in a cock fight.
we came into the house to find you doing shots by your self and when we told you to stop you locked yourself in the bathroom...
did I at least say anything...
you meowed at us and said you're a cat and cats drink for a living
I have made the descision to sacrifice the first of my family's dogs that wakes me before noon tomorrow. I may quickly become the family outcast
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
Sorry about my life...
I have got to move on from this "sleeping with every drug dealer I meet" phase.
Randomize