When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
Totally shot down my boss for sex today. Approaching this weekend with a clear conscience and an untouched vagina.
Your "dubstep at ceilis" resulted in a random naked guy busting into my room and peeing all over my bathroom
Either that or he's gagged in a strangers trunk right now.
Well I suppose either way he's learning a pretty tough lesson right now.
On a unprofessional note, there's a new girl in photo.
That wasn't unprofessional. The fact that I'm going to fuck her is unprofessional.
Yes. Ice cream tacos are an important aspect in the bridge of friendship
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
Hey! Its not the first time I've been eaten out in a bridesmaids dress in a church by a groomsman!
I'm like a camel in the desert in a black hole I'm so thirsty.
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