If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
this is really not the time to pretend we have morals
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
Glow Paint looked great for the Black Light Party last night, Tonight having a glow in the dark Pizza on my arm, not so much.
You're about wine.
Yes, I'm like 90% wine at the moment
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
Just come here quick. I'm home in 3min. It will take you literally less than 5 to walk. Then 2 to undress, 16 to fuck, 2 to dress again and 5 to walk back..!!
exactly 16 eh??
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
Randomize
