I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
OMG - This guy with a mullet just told me - it wasn't a mullet - but his hair dresser layered it wrong. It's so walmart in here. I hate you.
It's when I'm in my pajamas and in need of a gin delivery that I miss NYC most of all.
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
If I go there, please come with. It will accelerate the lesbian rumor but be totally worth it.
whiskey dick. though we did manage to break my closet door and flood the bathroom.
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
WHY ARE YOU SMOKING WEED WHEN YOU JUST HAD A STROKE. AND MORE IMPORTANTLY WHY ARE YOU DOING IT WITHOUT ME.
I just very easily got pretty high off of one bowl of shitty dirt weed. I'm a sad excuse for who I used to be.
In your drunken glory you promised me, tongue, 12 naked pics, and 1,800 breakfasts.
is one penis in the hand worth one better nicer penis in the manscaped bush?
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
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