we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
it feels like my vag is blowing bubbles
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
I figure a girl that drinks as much as I do should always have pregnancy tests on hand
no, but he did start crying. who the fuck is 30, covered in tattoos and crys about an ex? get your shit together, man.
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
Sorry that I was such a monster last night. It was the drugs, I promise.
you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
Well I only snuggle him I don't hump him. That's rude.
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