Ha. No worries! So loud here &god I love drag queens! How does it happen, the congealing?
I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
You were asking people if they could pee on you while you shotgunned beers
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
My dick was out way too much saturday not to get laid
Guys, right now i need a picture of a squirrel, preferably with one of you guys but not necessary.
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
Randomize
