Tell him ill love him long time
I'll assure him of it
I've decided to film a documentary centered around how he manages to keep that beast caged in such tight pants
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
His wife found out about our affair the same day he got fired for it.
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
This baby is an asshole
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
It was like inception, a dream, in a dream, in the back of a dodge charger.
I was more obsessed with the sweat stain on her back that was simultaneously shaped like a vagina and the virgin Mary.
I made $80 at the club last night by telling him he was like a wild pony and I just wanted to tame him
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
Hypothetically speaking of course, is it bad if a cat eats lube?
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