You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
Don't EVER smell your tampon
he called you a drunk bob the builder and you proceeded to explain how you were going to build ramps throughout the house
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
you say it like running around in your thong wasted is a bad thing
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
His dad was on the tv delivering the local 11 o' clock news while we were having sex
I'm having shoppers remorse over a dildo
If it makes you feel better he's in the stall next to me and I'm taking a diabolical shit. He's complaining
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
Randomize
