So I finally got the Patron washed off my boobs.
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
And then i had a penis in each hand. It was magical.
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
Idk. I'm naked in front of the computer eating ribs. All is right with the world.
That's so nerdy and hot at the same time.
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
pretend your vagina is a choco taco and the guy is someone who really loves choco tacos. let him enjoy the choco taco.
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
you walked in on him eating me out and screamed SHE'LL BREAK YOUR HEART BRO before body slamming on the ground and passing out on the floor
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
But the sex is so much better when he already has a girlfriend
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
Sometimes you have good days, sometimes m you delete 360 screenshots off your camera roll.
U dont jog and buy condoms n bulk
Or is it distressingly heterosexual?
Randomize
