Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
yea pretty sure we followed the trail of your spaghetti-o vomit to find the car
Wow, Pearl Harbor and The Notebook are on. Its like the Im going to kill myself marathon.
if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
Being a slut is okay if you're being a polite slut, right?
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
Hey, this is Travis. I just so intelligently deduced that I am in a college dorm somewhere in western oregon. Probably WOU, based on the process of elimination.
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
Randomize
