dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
i left the bar a little after you and ended up flipping my car in the arbys drive thru
how much do you want to bet that her wedding invites will be vera bradley themed? loser has to frame theirs.
i think i want to fuck a midget just to see how difficult it would be
hooked up with a girl who spoke elfish last night..what up 8th grade lord of the rings fantasies
I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
Ive been sitting around naked watching magic on youtube.
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
Stop trying to get a gf and raw dog some forest beasts like sasquatch
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
Just broke my no shot rule again.. Made out with a stranger. That's 0 for 3 this month for the record
So high, just applauded for a magic trick on Hulu.
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