NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
threw up in my backpack again. Asian guy I cheat from wasn't pleased.
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
You are the sheppard guiding my vagina away from horrible decisions.
She used the introduce me to her roommates so she could find out my name trick the next morning..I may be in love.
Guess who just hooked up with the cop that fingerprinted her?
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
She pulled out a handful of chest hair. And then gave the room a Brave Heartesque speech.
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
Do you ever have one of those days when your breasts are just fucking awesome?
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
Pooping in a box is not fun. You're not a cat.
Randomize
