this guy literally just gave me a gold star sticker for the "stellar" blow job i gave him. ashamed? i think not.
Superbowl + Mdma, hope we're on the same page.
My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
I just feel like a little gay dolphin in a massive sea
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
all i remember was her shitting herself and asking me to call her parents.....i so didn't. when i woke up she was gone and left a note saying "we will be lovers forever"
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
He seems like a lot more than a waste of tequila
So apparently dinosaur erotica does, in fact, exist.
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
I am going to constantly be reminded of you for the next couple of days because of how sore my vagina is. It's just the price I have to pay.
Randomize
