apparently you CAN get banned from Nascar.
Just saw actual Chinese people doing a Chinese firedrill. Good day.
when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
He dropped me off at 4 in the morning because I made fun of Pearl Jam..
I hate having to put a bra on before I go home cuz I have to pretend I actually went to class today
LISTEN TO ME! GAY. FIREFIGHTER. They are the most rare and precious kind of gay. The kind little gays dream of. It needs to happen.
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
Buying the inflatable beer pong table for the pool was one of the best investments I've ever made
Her 4ft mother helped 5ft10 passed out me from the car to my girlfriend's bed at 1am...with whopper in hand
I fucked a French man last night. 5 Times. Ashed my cig in his cactus. That later set on fire while we were having sex.
Randomize
