once we finished he held up the condom and asked if i wanted to keep it as a souvenir.
oh and he was serious.
Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
i need you to recap everything for me beyond "i think i'm gonna try vodka-pong"
did you fuck him yet?
hahaha who do you think your talking to.. a nun?
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
I think my body is literally trying to get me to reproduce. "fuck someone! Anyone!" - my body
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
OMG I WAS JUST THINKING ABOUT HOW OUR FRIENDSHIP IS SO REAL BECAUSE I SHOW YOU DICK PICS AND WE LAUGH TOGETHER.
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
I've had way too many dicks in my mouth the past two weeks. Ready to go back to school and be a doctor now
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
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