apparently the secret to your success is patron
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
Today I learned you can't titshake with a corset on.
I smell like fire and strippers. Successful sunday funday.
Im in Ft Meyers right now looking right at an alligator. I have had a couple of beers and people are telling me not to feed him but Im gonna do it anyway.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight.
I lied. Can't workout today. Only exercises I'm currently capable of doing are breathing ones to keep last night's drinks ending up all over the classroom.
There is always the bar, but 2 30 on a Tuesday just screams alcoholism
He stood me up.
I'm no sure if I should be pissed or proud that he finally grew a backbone.
It must suffice lest there secretly exist a picture of me walking out of the ocean at midnight naked and half mast with a sea urchin on my ass
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
I'm super depressed and stressed and I just want spaghetti and sex...
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
Randomize
