Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
We woke up, fucked twice, she drank 3 warm heinekins to cure her hangover and said "Im glad you're still hott when im sober"
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
Yeah. You can ask him out. We're just fuck buddies. My vagina will be sad but your heart can be happy.
All three of them were helicoptering their dicks to persuade me to take my thong off
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
I would sacrifice a finger for two more hours of sleep.
The only thing I remember from last night is being naked in his bed if that's not summer drinking at it's finest then I don't wanna live anymore
WHAT KIND OF SELF RESPECTING 28 YEAR OLD WOMAN WAKES UP IN A FRAT HOUSE?!?'
The cougar kind?
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
Besides, I'm booked tomorrow. I'm planning on drinking heavily and crying in the bath.
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