His appology was" look at it this way, at least you'll give better head without those teeth.'
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
okay. this is james and youre probably never ever gonna see me again unless i really really really want some pussy. sorry.
Yeah. I stopped her before she flashed the guy for a free slice of pizza. She called me a gentleman and then before I knew it she was in my bed.
I just saw her take the entire bowl of lime wedges from the bar and pour them all in her purse, and now using the empty bowl as a hat. Waiting for security to come and throw her ass out.
Just dont tell him. Tell him you colored your vagina for breast cancer awareness month. He will understand.
If we ever start off with margaritas for breakfast and end up naked covered in olive oil...I could think of worse ways to spend a day.
When the shrooms kicked in we both simultaneously realized we were not the right puzzle piece for the dubstep puzzle.
We made eye contact and were like we are not welcome here, the ravers are onto us and we need to get the fuck out before we get shuffled upon
You just kept screaming "PLEASE YELL CORNDOG AT HIM. PLEASE. CORNDOG."
I woke up naked to an alarm set for 11:18 pm and missing a shoe. How was your night?
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
We were supposed fuck one time, but ended up fucking for 2 years.
whatcha doing?
lying in bed pretending to be a slug
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