listening to techno makes your hand move faster while masterbating
Admittedly I was a little ambitious with some of the positions but you walked in during the worst of it.
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
dude she was givin me head and stops and looks up at me and tells me she loves me, then goes ''alright now cum in my mouth''.... pretty sure shes the one
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
It's so hard to find a shirt to wear out that is easily taken off, cut off my paramedics, but says "I'm a grown, respected woman"
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
It was only in the sobering silence of the wilderness on the mountain, after I was too tired to talk anymore and I also didn't want to tell Julian that we were lost, that I realized how super tripped out I had been the entire time...
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
Drunk me started making nachos apparently but never got to the part with the cheese. There are chips everywhere
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
wait you like me?? for my personality??
I know I was surprised too
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