Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.
Yea...coming from the girl who didn't understand why m&ms and tequila wasn't a "suitable diet"
When I come over I'm bringing "Socky" the Alcoholism Prevention puppet, today he is going to tell you boys about his FAVORITE word---its called "moderation"
rumor has it I kept asking you to go to the "tall grass" with me...sorry about that.
you said candy land and then passed out.
ps. we found your stash in the candyland game. Thanks.
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
the old man that you threw the shoe at says "hi" and many rude words...
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
When did it become normal to wake up in the middle of the night to take a group bathroom break and have a 10 minute discussion on where the next football game is?
Cant leave im designed bacon maker you come here
This toilet bowl is my home.
Panties = found
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