he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
I feel like someone had their period in my eyes.
I'm sorry I got a little outta control last night.
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
I have managed to reach the 'after meth poster look' before lunch here...
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
Excuse me while I gouge out my eyes.
In which case my work here is done.
I should stop using "Braveheart would do it" as a basis for decision making...
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
While she was pissing on the neighbors shrubs, they threatened to call the cops...she mumbled 'don't threaten me with a good time", so to answer your question, yes she was drunk.
It's your last night of vacation right? Be the Oprah of dick. And you get a dick... and you get a dick, and you get a dick!!!
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
You ever fart so hard it made you cum a little? A "friend of mine" wanted to know.
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