Overheard: "his girlfriend fucks him with the lights off. It's not serious."
lmfao. well really. it's not love if you cringe at the site of his anus.
Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
I swear after i took it all i did was scream for four hours
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
Sorry for eating those cheese fries out of your hands last night
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
Are taco bell cups microwave safe? I can't make that judgement right now
No, i will not have sex with him again. It felt like he was trying to bulldoze his way through me. My vagina is on strike.
We finally have the house to ourselves and your out playing Lance Fucking Armstrong
I think the 8 yr old is hitting on me and they just prayed for the salvation of third world countries
I am a 5'4" ball of sexual frustration and vodka. It is that kind of night.
Looking through my moms phone and find a pic if a dick. Scarred for life.
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
Randomize
