And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
you didnt know i had herpes?
Theres a fat guy wearing a speedo. Someone just got puked on, and didnt even react. Whats happening?
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
Please hurry up and come back. This is so awkward. He's showing me banana videos.
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
IM NOT TALKING TO YOU UNTIL YOU MAKE A PROCLAMATION YOU LOVE ME MORE THAN TACOS
You can't honestly expect me to maintain an erection when you have the Glen Beck show on
Not my fault the fence refused to just break when I ran into it.
Does going to a local bar count as taking part in Small Business Saturday? Asking for a friend
I apologize for there being a shopping cart in the living room. I don't know how why or where i got it.
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
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