I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
took shots out of a medicine cup. i can get used to college.
we should wear snuggies to the strip club
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
We had to go visit his dealer in the hospital to buy some weed.
My head. My head is the problem. Also alcoholism.
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
It was like bizarre-o star trek. I shamefully went where every man has gone before.
Get in your clown car, pick up everyone you know, and head to the park. drunk Sledding grand prix tonight. winner takes home the leftover beer
I want falafel more than sex right now. That's really saying something for me...
just wanted to eat pizza off his dick so he let me and he can never forget it
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
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