just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
i know he has to tuck it when he gets excited in public and all, but now he is just starting to show off.
So she is eating her margarita with tortilla chips....like using her chip as a spoon
All I remember is yelling RUN as fireworks started going off in the kitchen. Who said that was a bad idea?
All I know is that if a letter starts with "I'm aware you jerked off in the bathroom last night," I don't want to finish reading it.
I just had a boat ride of shame. With Senior Citizens.
I'll always be here to give you immoral support.
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
Why is it so hot and why are these the only pants in my life.
I feel like getting drunk at the airport is sort of a rite of passage into adulthood, but maybe i should reserve that occasion for a flight thats not just 1 hr
The dorm caught on fire so it turned into a 5am pool party
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
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