Update. It gets worse. A) he's done viagra and B) he wears socks at all times.
Let's go to weight watchers and eat in front of them.
You need to come back and get me. This is not a jersey shore party and he is not dressed as Pauly D and I am about one shot away from hooking up with a real fist pumping Guido.
We'll cross that bridge when we come to it... Or burn it. Either way we'll deal with it later
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
With your fertility you would just get contact pregnant
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
After last night I think its official. Deep down, we like alcohol more than we like women.
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
Do you want to talk about dinosaurs?
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
Randomize
