I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
The bad decision stars are too close to aligning to risk this tonight.
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
Me too. We could do it like prostitutes. No kissing on the mouth.
So I found a skull ring inside me this morning. I'm assuming its yours, so I'll leave it in my mailbox for you - it looks expensive.
On the plus side, I got cel phone video of a major fox news host doing coke.
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
You let someone poor beer into my mouth off of a balcony. Best friend test failed.
Haahahahahahhaaa
So, anyways, aside from wanting to seduce my roommate for booze, how's everything been
Please tell your friend to stop shitting in my closet.
It does not feel like it was just this morning that I had a penis in multiple cavities of my body
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
Randomize
