i just wish he would text me so i could ignore his text and show him how little i care anymore
So i think we're being coned into a threesome with the promise of pokemon
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
I can't believe he let me cut his hair as stoned as I was.. I think I even cut my own hair too
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
I'm just so happy. I go to sleep and when I wake up there will be chocolate milk and penis.
Cocaine can totally be concealed as MAC finishing powder. Drug dealer creds just went up 120 percent
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
This chick had a condom box organized by size with dividers that glowed in the dark.
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
Randomize
