honestly, who buys weed with an unemployment check?
you.
oh yeah. preciate
My first STD was from a foam party
i just borrowed 5 dollars from my eight year old sister. i'm at a new low
The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
We have to use a contraceptive. God help the world if another one of us comes into fruition.
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
I AM VODKA MAN
I'm gonna face reality, tomorrow morning is not on my hungover agenda.
He was awful. Hubby's was apparently epic. I suck at swinging.
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
I have vodka and 50 pizza rolls best spring break ever
Drink. Fuck. Waffle House. Repeat.
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
Randomize
