a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
He's a collector of sorts
Any cool stuff?
You should see the collection of booggers in the carpet next to his desk
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
My spanish isn't great but I'm pretty sure he was calling me a "little monkey" while I was blowing him
he turned two sober chicks into 7 drunken girls...he's my hero
ur roommate just sent me a pic of us fucking. i'm not coming over anymore.
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
He is currently pregaming mini golf. MINI GOLF.
If I were you I'd use my green card to do more coke and less talking
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
Randomize