A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
Registered for next semester classes drunk. Let's hope I didn't accidently sign up for history of dinosaurs again...
He offered but I said no. I didn't think it'd be cool to accept cupcakes in the mens room of a gentlemans club.
Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
Doubtful. That seems irresponsible. The 4th will kill you if you stopped drinking until then. Let's think logically.
She had forties taped to her hands and was trying to give him a hand job while he was passed out, with everyone in the living room.
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
Just because I also want a blowjob doesn't mean I don't want to just see you too.
Dude you where on that lil kids bike at 2 am ridin down the turning lane wearing only socks and a helmet singing born to be wild, no you weren't that fucked up
Randomize
