I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
is drinking for groundhog day legit?
well you blacked out on MLK day and we pregamed arbor day, so yes
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
Hello wreck, this is your train calling.
There has to be a way to make college graduation in Las Vegas different than any other Tuesday in Las Vegas. Strippers? Been there. Getting arrested for public indecency on the strip? Done that.
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
The spark has left our relationship. i used to make slightly inflammatory jokes at you. you would retaliate in jest. look at this. look at what is happening here.
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
I suppose what I've learned from this experience is that sometimes you just have to make out with a narcissistic baby daddy to make a clean getaway.
last thing I remember was someone walking in on me sitting in the bathtub listening and singing along to Britney spears "Till the world ends" on repeat.
I will take a ruler to your dick so help me god
last time we were there you stole a tap from the toilets. How are you confused that your bag is full of baubles you clearly can't stop collecting their furnishings
Yeah but the jokes on her right? We just got a new couch and hers still has a cum stain on it from like six months ago
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
Randomize