The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
im gonna put my furry chinchilla vagina on her mother effing nose
my step dad just called me a drunken slut..someone in my family finally understands me
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
No he's here. We were watching Harry Potter stoned as shit and he fell asleep with his head in my lap. I'll figure out what to do with him after Harry gives Dobby the sock.
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
Just had a VERY VIVID visualization of wrapping a pizza around my cock and fucking its brains out. Soooooo less weed more dates?
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
I know I've never told you this before.. but Gyro sauce makes everything okay.
I get a little bitchy. We all know that
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
dude, she has my telletubby sweats and my good sweatshirt hostage, I can't risk their safety with a breakup
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
are you comparing glasses to pregnancy
Randomize
