I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
I think i just got paid for sex with a hot pocket... and i accepted
He took naked pictures of me and told me if I ever got to the Disney Channel level of fame he would help me out. I think i'm in love
She had another shot and asked if I wanted to taste her tongue ring. Then I helped her pee.
don't get you morals all over my torrid fantasties
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
Fireball goes down like mother's milk. Btw your housemate is naked
How is someone going to pee on the floor two days in a row? Fuck this place.
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
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