her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
Sorry we're taking so long, this weed cake tastes amazing with Tabasco sauce on it.
lol i'm looking through my photos and there's this giant section of just dudes wearing murses
I don't even care that his girlfriend will be there. Us hooking up is a tradition and she will NOT ruin it.
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
I have bits of ceiling fan all over now
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
I ended up in th ER yelling my height weight and age
Can I drink yet?
It's Monday morning.
Your point?
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
He responded to all of my texts prodding for dirty talk with "I will do anything you are comfortable with."\n\nChivalry is great, but being comfortable doesn't get me wet.
Randomize
