i recognized the place by the puke stain i left on the pool table when i hooked up with his roommate.
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
12 trash cans filled with water. Beer cans floating in each, 12 ft apart. Dodgeball. Ultimate beer pong.
Rules. We have to wear superhero outfits
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
We were just talking bout putting on helmets and going fo a car ride just to see how ppl react. I will def fit in here haha
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
You will drink beer in a kiddie pool in your back yard but you wont bring a girl home
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
Setting myself up for trouble? Yes. But getting laid is a lot more important at this time.
Randomize
