Dogs love guiness but it fucks up their kidneys
iPhone photo doodle is awesome. I gave my vagina some lazers and sent it to him. He has a whole series waiting on his phone for when he gets off the plane.
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
He's tryingto open a beer with a Police baton. Cut him off or see where this leads?
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
ITS A JAGER BOTTLE. NOTHING CAN BE BAD IF ITS JAGER RELATED.
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
I've noticed we have slowly begun to phase the "B" out of our Bromance.
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
You could woo kevin with a boquet of breakfast burritos. He loves those burritos. You could use the hot sauce packets like babies breathe
We made out and he didn't grope me. I liked it. I felt like I was innocent again.
Randomize
