I only had sex with her cause she looked like jwoww from jersey shore
I checked into jail on foursquare
Do you think I should make him wait for my responses or do you think sophomore have no concept of time like dogs?
I just had sex on a bear rug. My life is complete.
How did I end up in the pool?!
Welcome to ASU
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
I got home and laid by the toilet and then alexa laid in the bathtub and sang the preamble while kayla held my hair
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
If you want me to retract my crazy cat lady comments pictures of yourself dressed as a cat are not the way to do it.
Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts.
Like I just asked Greg why I don't have a crown for my vagina. That drunk.
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
But I put cranberries and apples in my wine so it's festive drinking not suicidal drinking
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