I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
I hope i woe up in your car, or else i stole someone elses and slept in the back seat
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
So stoned i forgot i was in bed
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
I just bought 7 working mopeds off a guy for $300. We are 60% of the way to our gay biker gang dream.
Was there a condom involved? Because he was saying he wanted a kid. Repeatedly.
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
I put purple lights under my bed and asked him if he wanted to fuck in a spaceship.
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
Randomize
