If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
Seriously. You just grinded your ass all over the heisman trophy's dick. I want you to think about that.
i have rugburns grass stains and some road rash. im an all terrain slut
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
Cavemen vs astronauts. weapons to be determined. Who would win?
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
And I'm glad you're waiting to invite him over. he may have a weird penis thing and then dinner becomes awkward.
I think I maybe realized he was too old for me when I went into his bathroom and he had anti aging face cream.
ok now I feel liek a very drunk human instead of a chaos being thanks water
You made noises. And kept meowing. I have a twenty minute phone call to prove it.
Dude, I just turned down sexual favours because I need to study... What the fuck is wrong with me?
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