I was up until 12:30 making that damned grammar test for my freshmen then I caught myself running through the verb tenses when I was giving him head.
"I have sucked, I will suck, I will have suck, I am sucking..." I've never felt more like a nerdier slut than last night.
dude i just made a burrito by wrapping 2 packs of scooby snacks with a fruit roll up. im so high
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
I don't not like him. It's just wierd talking to him because we both know I fucked his wife.
It's like we come as a package. Your slogan should be "be in my family, sleep with my roommate."
My slogan can be "bonding the family together. One dick at a time."
you took a picture of the hospital bathroom and sent it to me
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
I am the murdurer of this scooby doo episode
Unless it involves a lot of whiskey, an ACDC concert, and a guy named Juan from the Philippines, then I'm not interested.
We'll just play naked Twister, the rest will take care of itself
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
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