Will you still be my friend if I read and enjoyed Twilight?
No
Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
We were done making out and had been asleep for a hour. I felt him put his hand on my butt. Then I farted.
You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
would you kill someone to have someone deliver pancakes to you when you were high?
She needs to learn she only fits into our friendship as a DD.
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
Well. I hope my dad likes whatever sweater stoned me picks out.
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
He told us when he was 10 he started shoving bars of soap up his ass for pleasure so i winked at him
Randomize
