she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
guy picked up a cops taser, thing shot him in the neck, he went down and pissed himself, cop started laughing and hasnt called an ambulance.
upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
you didnt remember my name all night. you kept referring to me as "the blonde with the fat ass"
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
I wish there were college classes that were useful to your daily life, like how to pack a proper bowl in pitch black darkness.
I left boob prints on the hood of his car. Something to remember me by.
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
Wow. Ok who would waste Game 7 ticket on kids?!
Poor parenting at its best
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
Who the abstract fuck do you think you are!?
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
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