got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
This guy just brought his piggy bank into the bar with him. Talk about corruption of childhood.
We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".
I had to drink heavily last night because I needed to forget that you told me you want to blow my dad.
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
Nothing says walk of shame like leather pants in daylight
June 16th my calendar just says boobietassels....I can only assume that has to do with you
NoShamevember. You game?
I LOVE YOU NO MATTER HOW MANY BALLS YOUVE SUCKED
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
Sooooo drunk. We had the best sex ever and after he looked at me and said "That's whats up". I looked at him weird and he said "Young Jeezy would say it" and passed out on me naked. I think i might be in love
Randomize
