rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
My mom is helping me re-arrange my room to make New Year's more hook-up friendly
Hes laying on the floorn in the bathroom telling Jesus to raise the flag
Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me
They wouldn't let me hang out the sun roof and sing apple bottom jeans in the drive thru of hardee's i think i no longer like these ppl
I really hope you are not drunk feeding a raccoon.
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
IM SO HIGH RIGHT NOW, IM WHAT ROCKET MAN WANTED TO BE WHEN HE GREW UP. ELTON JOHN CAN BLOW ME.
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
Drinking wine from a straw at 6:15 in the morning. This is what college does to people.
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DRIVE 3 HOURS FOR BIRTHDAY SEX.
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
It's like Guy Diamond blew glitter into my vagina.
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