Oh My! A car just drove by me a splashed me with a wave of water. I am drenched and soaking wet!
I am sorry--all I heard is that you are wet.
So I had sex with him again. He's still got it. Not chlamydia, he got rid of that.
Trying to find something to do here is like trying to find a vegan resturant in alabama.
we did it on the golf course and he threw the condom in the pond. some poor fish is gonna choke on it
I can't begin to describe what I look like walking through the grocery store with this outfit and chocolate syrup.
you just knocked on the window of the ambulance and waved at me as we drove away
Thanks for pulling me out of the bed by my feet atleast one of us was sober enough to know I had work at 5 am.
I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
Don't know how your birthday has been, but mine has involved Hershey's syrup and a blowie. It's safe to say you're playing catch up.
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
I keep track of what day of the week it is by my recent destinations on my nav system. \nRight now it's: booty call, bar, booty call, brunch, bar, church so that must mean we are getting close to Sunday when we start the rotation all over again.
she just punched him in the balls in front of everyone and yelled "YOU SEE WHAT YOU MADE ME DO"
Been using bowl smoking as a method of time for so long I don't know how long it actually takes to get to work
Randomize
