Think I'm gonna go cougar hunting tonight... Any advice?
condoms and good judgment
Can I buy both of those at the same store?
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
so this chick screams out the name doug is bed..not to later do i find out doug is her vibrator
hello competition
Shit, I may have left some acid in your bathroom last night. Has he been in there lately.
I may only be a second year med student but I feel very confident in calling that a micropenis.
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
Nope. He totaled my car then moved back to Louisiana to work things out with baby mama. I sure know how to pick em
WHY DO I WANT TO FUCK EVERY GUY THAT BREATHES
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
I don't think he liked your vagina hand signal
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
Randomize
