the roller ball on my blackberry is the closest i've come to touching a clit in 2 years.
I think i found piece of your tooth in my dick this morning when i took a shower
i really should have bought real food rather than condoms, olives, coleslaw and beer...
regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
Like. There is beer on the other side of that door and 6 yards in. If he's not back in 20 minutes to let me in, I am using this tree as a battering ram.
wine lets you be on time to class apparently
This is a dangerous realization
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
I'M ALSO PLAYING VIDEO GAMES AND THINKING ABOUT ORDERING A PJIZZA. I'M NOT SURE WHAT MY MUSTACHE WANTS.
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
Summer bikini season begins today. I hereby declare the commencement of the 2013 HUNT FOR CUNT.
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
Like I fucked him in the shower at 3 am when I had classes all day the next day so he can't say I'm not dedicated
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
Randomize
