I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
All i remember is people cheering me on to drink faster than the dog, out of the dog's bowl. I just couldn't stop.
I'm still seeing blue. who wrote on my bare nipple?
he's wearing our apron and eating a pb and oreo sandwich. and calling the oreos "topless" since he took their tops off...
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
I'm so hungover all I can do is stare at my curser and hope it starts moving on its own
You left the resturant and came back with a McDonalds burger in your pocket so ya...no more pregaming birthday dinners. Especially since it wasn't your birthday.
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
He's only going to be gone for two weeks
That's two months in gay whore years.
She was throwing my stuff away and then before I knew it she was sucking my dick. It was like some fucked up sour patch kids commercial
Why do I think he'd like to keep my hair in a box?
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
New drinking game idea: Take a shot for every republican you see on facebook bitching about the ruling.
He lit my hand on fire and bought me chicken nuggets. I'm in love.
Randomize
