Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
Maybe I'll tuck it in and pretend to be a woman pretending to be a man that is attracted to women that are attracted to women who look like men
There's a paramedic out here, what have you done?
She gained 35 lbs and has an ankle bracelet, time for new booty call.
her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"
you motherfucker
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
So, we bought a knight today. Nearly life size. Hes in the garage, so don't be startled.
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
He said it was fake. Like really? Hey baby, I wanna sleep with you, so here's a picture of a fake tiny dick
I give up. I can't handle that class sober any longer. I have an army of whiskey shooters for the next three weeks. Wish me luck.
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
you were shouting "me peeing on him is the closest he'll EVER get to my vagina!"
Randomize