My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
you just used a box of cheese-its to get into the bar
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
drunk taco night MLK would want it this way.
Kayla got stiches in her face. Rode in an ambulance shotgun. Tried to steal a baby, thought it was mine
The sex was so good I went temporarily numb. Slightly embarrassing when she pointed out I was kissing my own arm.
threw up in the kitchen showroom. home depot employee of the month.
the straight edge chick smoked with me, because according to her my bowl is pretty
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
Just realized Ive never seen my f buddy in the daylight. What if he looks different?
She's passed out laying in the middle of the street. Cars are honking at her and going around her body. We need to stop playing BONECRUSHER.
Are you playing pokemon in the dark and sexting? I can't be mad at that.
I feel like we'd have a lot of fun being drunk at a dog show.
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
I feel fine lol. I tried climbing a tree but the branch broke and I got arrested.
Randomize
